Sibling rivalry: How to deal?

Think Mary and Anne Boleyn and the more modern-day rivalry between Liam and Noel Gallagher. Sibling rivalry has existed since the beginning of time. But, what is it and why does it happen?

Sibling rivalry is a form of competition and sometimes animosity among siblings, whether blood-related or not. The relationship between siblings is a complicated one that is influenced by many things such as birth order, parental treatment, personality and personal experiences within the family and with friends.  

Studies have shown that children are sensitive from the age of 1 year to differences in parental treatment.

Sibling rivalry can be particularly intense when children are very close in age and of the same gender, and/or where one or both children are intellectually gifted.  The evolving needs of children and young adults at varying ages can also cause rivalry and jealousy. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys, and are learning to assert their will and presence, which they'll do every chance they get. Therefore, if a baby brother or sister picks up the toddler's toy, the older child may react angrily.

As parents, what should you do when your children butt heads?

The important thing is to know when to get involved in a sibling spat and when not to. If you as the parent step in every time and are perceived as ‘taking sides’ or showing concern for one child, it can cause even more problems in the children’s relationship.

If the rivalry between young children is of concern because of the language used or name-calling then it would be appropriate to ‘coach’ them. Coaching your kids through what they’re feeling by using the correct words, tone and body language will have positive long-term effects on their growth.  

Here are a few ways you can deal with sibling rivalry within your family:

• Don’t play favourites
• Try not to compare your children to one another, each child is different
• Being fair is not the same as being equal. It’s important to do your best to meet each child’s unique needs
• Be there for each child – one-on-one time at least 10 minutes a day can mean the world to a child
• Convene regular family meetings/discussions; this is especially helpful with older children

Sibling rivalry can continue into adulthood and it’s important to try and prevent this from happening. In some instances a little healthy competition is great, but if it gets to the point where it’s clouded by anger and jealously then it’s time to seek professional help.

If you’re lucky enough to have a sibling then here’s some of the best advice we can offer you:

“Be kind to your siblings, they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.”

Baz Lurhmann, Sunscreen Song.